The centerpiece of many Thanksgiving feasts is a beautifully roasted turkey. But we all know that cooking the turkey can be quite a stressful endeavor. Undercooked and you risk food poisoning overcooked and you end up with dry disappointing meat.

As the holiday approaches, you may be feeling the pressure to get your turkey just right. Well have no fear! In the spirit of keeping things lighthearted, here is a humorous guide to cooking your Thanksgiving turkey. We’ll cover every step from thawing to carving, with some laughs along the way.

Step 1: Take a Drink or Two First

Let’s face it, cooking a turkey is no easy task Before tackling this big bird, pour yourself a nice whiskey, scotch or bourbon on the rocks You deserve it. The fun is just starting. Go on, take 2 or 3 drinks even. It will make the whole experience much more enjoyable. Just try not to get too tipsy before operating the oven.

Step 2: Preheat and Prep the Oven

Once you have a nice buzz going, it’s time to start prepping your oven. Make sure all racks are removed besides one low rack to hold the turkey. Then set the oven temp to 375°F. Or if you want to experiment, set it to a random degree like 247. Who needs an actual temperature anyways?

Oh and make sure the oven is turned ON. That’s an important detail to remember before you put the turkey in. Nothing like shoving it into a cold oven and waiting hours before realizing your mistake.

Step 3: Prepare the Turkey

Now for the bird itself. First give that turkey a stern talking to about behaving in the oven and coming out picture perfect. Positive visualization is key here.

Then generously season the cavity with herbs and aromatics. Stuff it like you’re packing for a weekend trip. The more the merrier! For bonus flavor, add some crushed up saltine crackers, Stove Top stuffing, or a whole loaf of bread. Get creative!

Next, lovingly massage butter and herbs under the skin. Think of yourself as a turkey masseuse. Make it feel relaxed before its spa time in the oven. Oh and don’t forget to tie those legs together. We’re going for presentation here.

Step 4: Baste Like You Mean It

Now comes everyone’s favorite part – the basting. Grab your basting brush and whisk it around in melted butter. Then aggressively baste every inch of that turkey’s skin. Get into all the nooks and crannies. Act like an overenthusiastic car wash employee, except with butter. Take a swig of whiskey and repeat.

You can never baste too much. Just keep brushing on more buttery goodness every 30 minutes for optimal crispiness and flavor. If the butter runs out, throw some olive oil, chicken stock, or your whiskey drink on there.

Step 5: Check for Doneness

There’s nothing worse than undercooked poultry, so make sure to repeatedly check that turkey’s temperature. Use your best turkey voice and ask “Are you done yet?” After a few glasses of whiskey, you may get some sassy responses from the turkey, but just keep monitoring until it reaches 165°F.

If you get bored of using a meat thermometer, stick random kitchen utensils like forks or tongs in there instead. Or try poking at it with a drumstick and see if it feels firm. The turkey will signal when it’s ready.

Step 6: Let the Turkey Rest

When the turkey finally reaches the right temp, remove it from the oven and let it rest for at least 20-30 minutes. This is critical! Slice into it too soon and all those delicious juices will spill out everywhere.

You can take this time to pour another drink, chat with the turkey about its oven experience, or pass out face down on the floor. Hey, you deserve a break after all that hard work.

Step 7: Carve and Serve

Now for the moment of truth – carving time! Grab the sharpest knife you own and hack away. Make sure your drunken uncle isn’t standing too close by while you’re waving a knife around.

Dig those knives in deep and put some muscle into it. Pretend you’re a master butcher breaking down a side of beef. Carve off slices until the whole bird is gloriously dismembered.

With the turkey successfully cooked and carved, you can now bask in a job well done. Enjoy the fruits of your labor and savor each flavorful bite of the best turkey ever!

Cooking Turkey While Intoxicated – Safety Tips

While spiking your cooking with some holiday ‘cheer’ can liven up turkey prep, take care to follow these safety practices:

• Check oven temp/settings before inserting turkey
• Use a meat thermometer for doneness
• Don’t baste with flammable liquids
• Wash hands and prep tools thoroughly
• Let turkey rest before carving
• Take knives/hot tools seriously, even buzzed
• Keep flammables away from oven
• Clean up spills ASAP
• Hydrate between drinks
• Assign a sober helper to assist
• Avoid deep frying while intoxicated
• Sit down if feeling too dizzy/drowsy
• Extinguish oven immediately after cooking
• Order takeout if too impaired to cook safely

The holidays are meant to be fun. Just use good judgement when mixing food prep with alcoholic beverages. Appoint your most responsible relative as the kitchen supervisor during food and beverage time. Follow these safety tips, and you can avoid any bad situations!

Conclusion

Cooking a turkey while under the influence leads to some hilarious stories and memorable holidays. But at the end of the day, just remember – take it slow, cook safely, and you’ll be sure to have a tasty bird on the table. Here’s to a happy Thanksgiving enjoyed with family, friends, and your beautiful bird! Cheers!